Kenny,

It sounds to me that she isn't 'feeling loved' and you are not 'feeling desired'. A book I strongly suggest would be 'The 5 Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. It's not that you don't love her it's just the way that you say it isn't the way she receives it. Think back to what you were doing when you were 'in love.' I suspect that you were 'dating.' Obviouvsly you did some kind of romance or else she wouldn't have married you. The other problem that we guess tend to do is 'stop dating' after we marry. This is what they call the prize complex. We won her heart and therefore don't have to do anything else out of our character. Many guys have done and do that. She needs to be sought after continous even throughout marriage. As I stated in another post what goes through a woman's mind constantly is "Does he love me?" just like we have the broken record of things we need 'to do' in order to provide.

I am not asking you to be the fictional movie style romanticist but I suggest you at least try. Make a lil effort here. Buy her flowers for no reason. Take her out on a date. Call her out of the blue just to say you are thinking of her and love her. Persue her like you did before you married. Do it for the sake of the marriage. I suspect that because you mentioned it here on JU you are kind of wanting to steer the marriage back together. There is only two directions your relationship grows. Together or apart.

Kenny, I recognize that being romantic isn't easy and in many cases we feel like whatever we do is a failure in this area. I would love to say that here is the solution but in reality it takes two to make a marriage work. Again I strongly suggest the book I mentioned above (NOTE: I have NO ties with the author). I just really value what he says and put it into action in my life and my relationship with my fiance. I personally know a few married couples in a similar situation as yours and most cases it turned their marriage around. But it takes action from both sides for it to turn completely around. Also keep in mind that it only takes one to become the catalyst.

Lastly, if you are still seeing your 'old friend' stop and refocus on your marriage in bringing it back together. Try for two weeks and see how your wife responds. If you would like to talk offline. Send an email to geniyasha@yahoo.com and I would be happy to discuss a bit more in depth. Again this is up to you. I just ask that you honor the commitment you made to your wife on your wedding day.

AD

for me life is very simple u just have to accept whatever it comes to your life because sometimes were choosing our own path and making our own decision....on your case 10 yrs is not an easy job to decide because u got kids...just find a way how to make ur relationships work....just for the kids she luvs u anyway and thats what impt gudluck!!!!

hi QoD and ALL

Do you think that you don't know how to love your children? It seems to me that if you are willing to give up your own happiness for the sake of your children then you do know what love is.

What led you to marry your wife in the first place?

What are the things that you like(d) about her?


After few days of thot, thinking about the qns raised by you guys, may be I can try to answer some qns and hope this can lead to futher breakthrough.

My marriage is more of like, an answer to her challenge. For she continuosly asked : do you love me ? I know you don't love me............. bla-bla-bla.............

One night, I just get so tired of this repeated qns (I think), and said : YES, I do and I will married you, to prove to you I do love you.

and, like they said, the rest is history.

the best part I like about her is : We always discuss about my business venture or daily business issues, or her business related matter, our opinion most of time, complement each others short fall. I also bring her to mix with potential or existing business associate, she got very good sense about people, man or woman. most of time, her judgetment is 90% accurate. She is not that type of timid, soft little girl. NAH !!

You see, thats why she said : kenny, when I talk to you about us, you always fall asleep, or tired, or whatever, but when talk about business, about money, you are so awake !!

Is true. I don't know why. I just geting so damn tired of her repeating the same old story about us, and yet no solution. and we always end up : fight, argue, and shit, I would have lost sleep.

I do admit, I am a pretty dominant male, I like and want to in control. If I told her (wife) repeatedly not to do certain thing (of course she may have her reason and rights to do so), she may insist, then, I would say : be it, you ask for it. Its your call.

Am I being selfish ? yes to a certain extend, but I just hate the answer from her : you don't love me, you don't care for me.

Then ? if I don;t, why should I bother to ask you : don't get bullied by your sister, don;t let your sister make used of you, why I bother to buy you vitamins (she would say : you worry I got sick so no body take care your kids........... shit, what a negative thinking ?!)............ am I nuts ?

QoD, your qns has really pin direct deep into me, are you a doctor ?

I have stop seeing or communicating with this old friend, for my wife found out and she confronted her directly. Shit, really get me into deep deep shit. Almost divorce till our parent interfer. And during that time, 2 years ago, both of us also think about the kids.

we both ask this qns : will you marry me if were to repeat ? Her anser is No, my answer is maybe. (I can't decide, there are good and bad about her).

She always said : if you don't want me, better tell now. Don't wait another 5-8 years, when you are rich enough, then dump me, by then I am too old to find another person. [do you all think she got mental problem ?]

I think my case is really hopeless. I don't see much chance in there. The only tread that hang on is : the kids. I don;t know 5 years later what will happen ?

I shut myself from her for almost 6/7 years [becoz we always fight and quarrel, even over small matter, so I keep my mouth shut]. But now, I don't really care more, just tell her directly how I felt, she like it or not. Ya, why should I keep hiding my feeling ? so tired of this shit.

Kenny,

If you take the kids out of the question completely, do you want to be married to this woman?

I'm getting the sense that you don't. In which case I'm not going to keep asking questions about the relationship and giving suggestions on how to make it work.

If the answer to the question is 'no' then it's time to move on.

She always said : if you don't want me, better tell now. Don't wait another 5-8 years, when you are rich enough, then dump me, by then I am too old to find another person. [do you all think she got mental problem ?]

I don't think that is mental. It is a lot harder for a woman to remarry than it is for a man. I know of a LOT of men who stay married until they have enough money to attract a younger woman and then the man dumps the wife. Usually, he leaves her with little money and a lot of shit to deal with.

She always said : if you don't want me, better tell now. Don't wait another 5-8 years, when you are rich enough, then dump me, by then I am too old to find another person. [do you all think she got mental problem ?]

I don't think that is mental. It is a lot harder for a woman to remarry than it is for a man. I know of a LOT of men who stay married until they have enough money to attract a younger woman and then the man dumps the wife. Usually, he leaves her with little money and a lot of shit to deal with.

dear ALL

thanks for the advice and guide. Let me think, I have to think. Is very confusing now........

but I have tried 1 thing : that is speak to her (just normal thing, usual stuff), and listen to her (for what she want to say). I hope this is the right action.

but I have to think and obviously, I do not want to break up the family, be it for the kids or for both of us. Just got to find the feeling for her.

hope I am doing the right thing...............

Kenny,

Would like you to remember one thing. Relationships are like two rocket ships (you and her). When you marry they are next to each other. But if you or her move away from each other 1 degree then over time you separate a lil at a time before you realize that you are SO VERY FAR AWAY. This to me seems still quite the possiblity. As you are thinking about the relationship you should have the realization that if you do one thing that it will bring you back together in a short period of time. You need to get your ship and her ship pointing back towards each other. I suggest you try 'dating' her again. Women often don't feel loved because they aren't being pursued. Just something to think about.

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