Is this consider unfaithful ?

Published on August 16, 2006 By KennySteven In Sex & Romance

Been married for almost 10 years with beautiful kids, and have been asking the question over and over again : do I really love my wife ? and what is love ?

the answer and truth is : I don't know.

I don't know what is love and how to love.

Am tired of this question and have no answer to it. But deep in my heart, I know, to my wife is more of responsibilities, and to provide the kids a "complete family".

Even during making love and having sex, have to imagine and visualise, "she" is another woman, else I never reach climax...............

Am I sick ? I don't think so.

How envy of other happy married couple but deep deep in my heart, ............. I am very empty...............

Comments (Page 1)

ntisafron

on Aug 16, 2006

No you are not sick.Inconciderate maybe,but not sick.

Adventure-Dude

on Aug 16, 2006

Kenny, I don't neccessarily think you are sick but I do have a question for you. Are you feeling desired and respected from your wife?

Tova7

on Aug 16, 2006

You should

1. Talk to your wife about this.

2. Get help if the both of you decide it what's needed.

Your kids are worth the effort, and so is ten years invested in a woman you obviously once loved.

Good luck.

DJBandit

on Aug 16, 2006

I can understand you totally. I too have this problem, it's probably one of the reasons I have not married her yet. OK I think I will just write an article cause maybe I need to stop hiding it for fear of what others will say. I will post it hopefully tomorrow.

sushiK

on Aug 16, 2006

I was kind of heading in this direction when communication was at an all time low between me and my wife. I think for a while I was mad at her for certain things that made me pull away from her and block the feelings I once had.

We did manage to make it through this time. We reconnected and started practicing better communication which in turn made me feel closer which in turn made me physically more connected to her also.

It's funny, I pretty mush shut down my affection for her during this phase I was mad and did not communicate these feeling with her.

Hang in there Kenny

Adventure-Dude

on Aug 16, 2006

Hey Sushik,

I tend to agree with you. It definitely sounds like communication is low. I was going to get there but ya took faster root

.

AD

KennySteven

on Aug 17, 2006

Thanks to all who reply to this, and your advice.

I will not write / reply to individul, but will write another article. Thks again.

KennySteven

on Aug 17, 2006

hi Adventure-Dude

Well, the answer is mix. She don't really (this is what I think)

My wife expressly and repeatedly ask many times : if she met or found someone she FELT his love or she believe can love her more, will I let her go ?

My answer is : YES. Because, as much as I not willing to, I think is no point keeping a person like that. The only problem is the kids. I do not want the kids to be seperated, so, either they follow her or me.

I have explained to her many times, I am not a romantic guy (like she always see in movie), I don't sweet talk (although I know woman likes this). To me, earning a living is priority , finding money is more critical because you can't live or eat or drink LOVE to survive. Ensure my business more stable and establish is because I want to give the family more security, since the kids are geting bigger and education fee is rising everyday.

KennySteven

on Aug 17, 2006

hi Charles C.

Ya, same here. I am keeping lots of this thots to myself and never want to tell. Because our sitution is complex, and is accumulated over 8-9 years.

IF you, have to leave home at age 18, from a small town to big city, you have nothing but a pillow and blanket. You have to work in day and study part-time at night for higher education. You have to work all the way to the top, you learn to be a survival.

I am not a selfish person, but once hurt, I will close the door. I care no more but myself, why ? because why should I deserved to get hurt ?

Communications is some of my friend said is lacking bewteen us, but how to communicate is every time it ends up in fight or disagreement ?

My wife is a very inteligent woman, high education, running own business, extremely high EQ, and slim / sexy (for a mother of 3). But I told her, you may knows other man in business / work, but you failed to acknowledge me.

I thirst and hunger for a woman that willing to listen to me.

KennySteven

on Aug 17, 2006

hi Sushik

Our marriage is kind of : love at first sight. Am also sick of big city life, so thot of change and come to this country, and try out this relationship for I not believe in long distance relationship.

But we both agreed, we rush into this marriage without totally understand each other. She is a very good mother and wife, no question at all. She took care the entire house and her own business.

Is just, we seems like stranger at home. There is no desire for me to talk to her much unless necessary. I prefer to masturbed than having sex with her.

2 years ago, we almost divorce for I met an old friend, whom I do have a crush for. She is a divorced and we enjoy each other companioship (but no sex). Then why we did not divorce ? for I can't bear the kids don't have father and I hate to start all over again with a new family.

sometime, I also don't understand myself. As an Asian, our culture is much difference from European, and in my case, most likely an European / Amerian would have divorce long a go (correct me if I am wrong).

Myrrander

on Aug 17, 2006

Ask yourself what you felt before the kids.

Ask yourself what you felt afterward.

I don't mean right afterward, when you crowed over their slimy forms, I mean now.

You didn't know your wife well enough before you bred. Now you're breeders, how can you save this? Good question. Better if you had worked these problems out before bringing helpless kids into the matter, right?

You fell for the oldest trap. Get married; have babies. Well, that trap is bullshit. Oops. Now you've done it. Now get with your wife and find a way to connect beyond your kids. Read each other books, even kiddie books. Write dumb poems to one another.

Find a way to relate to your wife beyond your kids. that's your specter of hope, dear heart. Find things you love together that your kids don't know shit about. Life isn't Disney even when you have kids. So find A FUCKING WAY to express that without making the babies cry.

You can, of course you can. Your kids are important, but your MARRIAGE is more important.

Good luck.

Cheers.

Question of the Day

on Aug 17, 2006

Hi Kenny,

Sorry to hear that you're having such problems in your marriage and that you have no other outlet but this. There are many good people here. We will listen and try to help if we can.

First off, I want you to know that you are NOT Sick. Many many people have problems with personal relationships. And, I also don't think you are being unfaithful.

I don't know what is love and how to love.

Do you think that you don't know how to love your children? It seems to me that if you are willing to give up your own happiness for the sake of your children then you do know what love is.

What led you to marry your wife in the first place?

What are the things that you like(d) about her?

How envy of other happy married couple

Having a good relationship with a spouse is a lot of work and it takes two people to make it work. Do you think your wife is unhappy too? What makes you think this way?

What happens when you try to discuss your feelings/problems with her? What do you say?

For me, writing about the issues and my feelings helps me to sort things out. This is why I'm asking you questions.

Good Luck
QoD

Question of the Day

on Aug 17, 2006

Kenny, Just a few more comments and questions based you your responses to others:

I have explained to her many times, I am not a romantic guy (like she always see in movie), I don't sweet talk (although I know woman likes this). To me, earning a living is priority , finding money is more critical because you can't live or eat or drink LOVE to survive. Ensure my business more stable and establish is because I want to give the family more security, since the kids are geting bigger and education fee is rising everyday.

Would you be willing to try to be more of what your wife needs? I'm not saying to be some romantic sap or something that you're not, I'm just saying that giving her what she needs can be helpful. Do you know what she wants/needs with respect to this?
You're right that we can't survive off of love, but love/relationships are the most important part of life. I have a feeling that you say this because you have been so hurt. If you want to save your marriage you will need to make it a priority. Are you willing to do this?

I am not a selfish person, but once hurt, I will close the door. I care no more but myself, why ? because why should I deserved to get hurt ?

Kenny, is this why you don't have anyone else to confide in? Because you are affraid of being hurt? What happened that makes you feel this way? Does this mean that you have closed the door on your wife?

My experience has been that if we close ourselves off from hurt we also close ourselves off from any chance of happiness. Unfortunately being hurt is part of life.

She is a very good mother and wife, no question at all. She took care the entire house and her own business.

Whay make you say that she is a good wife?

Women often become resentful and shut themselves off from their partners when they feel unsupported. Is there a reason why you haven't helped out with the house or the business? Would you be willing to start helping?

2 years ago, we almost divorce for I met an old friend, whom I do have a crush for. She is a divorced and we enjoy each other companioship (but no sex). Then why we did not divorce ? for I can't bear the kids don't have father and I hate to start all over again with a new family.

Your primary intimate companionship should be with your spouse. Having this relationship with another woman is detrimantle to your marriage. Are you still seeing this old friend? I would suggest that if you want to save your marriage that you discontinue this relationship - at least until you've saved your marriage (that's if you really want to).

I'm asking these questions to give you some things to think about. I'd love for you to write about them.

QoD

momijiki

on Aug 17, 2006

I would suggest that if you want to save your marriage that you discontinue this relationship - at least until you've saved your marriage (that's if you really want to).

I agree with this statement. You need to put the same effort into your marriage that you put into this friendship. Does your wife know about this friendship? Is this why she asked you about what if SHE found someone who loved her better?

Also, the relationship you have with your wife teaches your children what marriage is about. Are you comfortable with what your relationship is teaching your childrem.

A gesture of friendship can be as important as a romantic gesture. Maybe that would be easier for you.

My sister just married. The priest at the wedding said some interesting things. Love is not just sex. It is not just that adrenaline rush of feeling. It is also frienship and showing care and support.

Myrr has hit this on the head.

Find a way to relate to your wife beyond your kids. that's your specter of hope, dear heart. Find things you love together that your kids don't know shit about.

I will add, that some things will never be "solved" and that you two will have to find some way to work around them or just leave it in the past and resolve to try to do better in the future.

Good luck

sushiK

on Aug 17, 2006

I agree that the best way in this case is to take a couple of steps back and just focus on being friends again. Atleast if you are friends, friends talk to each other and care about eachother.

It kind of sounds like each of you in their mind has thought about separating. If you can't atleast be friends with one and other then the relationship has no legs to stand on.

I am no Dr Phil but maybe you could send her an invitation via mail to have diner out with no kids. At diner say that you want to work on your friendship, and take it from their.

The reason I say work on the friendship is it would help you, your wife and the kids live better together and maybe perhaps even apart should it come to that.

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